Liz Vaccariello, former editor of Parents Magazine, shares her experience as a mom to a non-binary child.
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“I got this,” I thought when they told me they were
gay while sitting on my fourteen-year-old’s bed. After all, I had been the
editor at Parents magazine where I was exposed to an extensive collection of
stories and research about LGTBQ+ youth. My employer had held Pride events
which I had attended some had parents talking about their experiences and
experts educating us on different issues. Our family also enjoyed the good
fortune of living in a mixed neighborhood within an open-minded town located in
a liberal region. Homework check: done! And so confident I was. Now, let’s go.
But then one day nearly 18 months later we were
driving to get pizza when Olivia said “Actually, what has been happening is
that I have been thinking really hard and this thing you call male or female
does not apply to me anymore. Instead, use they/them pronouns.” And with that,
our family stepped into entirely new territory.
Every parent will acknowledge their child’s coming
out differently and react accordingly.
Here I will describe the experience of
raising the child when he or she begins to learn about gender identity. This is
not as a manual which the community should emulate, but rather as a narrative
of one person trying to practice love and support to another person. Before
them, 8 things I learned parenting my non-binary kid are presented.
Why It Is Completely Normal to Feel Your
Feelings?
I have to confess that I shed a tear or two
and was sad for a couple of days after our conversation as if I had lost my
baby girl. It brought tears to my eyes while we were eating that pizza. In my
head and my heart, we were a family of four: ; family; mother, father, and twin
daughters. The instant I ceased to consider Olivia as my daughter, I was
reminded that such a transition is loss always, at least in the short term.
However, Those Feelings Can Also Be Dynamic
And One Can Learn How To Alter Them As Well.
If I could have possibly felt that way, I
soon realized that no one had died and that life went back to normal. They
could not even tell that anyone had changed. It was the same smiling,
intelligent, witty, brave, determined, caring, talented, gentle soul that I
used to see in this child. My kid was having the extraordinary experience of
exploring their truest version of self. When I expanded the thought that way, I
was full of admiration of what they did to become self-possessed and for the
risk they took coming out.
My partner Steve and I have always been
clear on our job: to create sturdy good-hearted people who have the potential
to live a full life and be happy. This was that. It wasn’t the arrangement of
the shapes in our family that was shifting; it was merely the shades.
You Shouldn’t Delegate Your Mental And
Emotional Work To Someone Else.
To put it simply: I realized that the
effort of grasping all the possible nuances of non-binary experiences and
identity was mine.
I heard podcasts, and I became a member of
an LGBT+ organization in my workplace. What helped me the most was to turn to
experts, non-binary people to follow on social networks. I heard their voices
in my mind, to help me understand and experience what Liv go through in life
without Liv having to teach, share, or talk about it constantly.
Accept That Penalties Are Inevitable and
Will Be Incurred.
Truth? Even to this day, gender-neutral
bathrooms and using the right pronoun for my husband’s gender have not escaped
my lips – a slip every month on average. It informs me right from the start
that you don’t need to overcompensate by saying ‘oh no, I am so sorry’ and
stomping your feet, going ‘to or turning your lips downward and saying ‘sorry’
for the twentieth time. It is very useful to reply to the mistake directly
forgive the slip and then use the right pronoun in the whole context. Your
strategizing enshrinement changes your error into your kid’s nuisance. As
adults now, they have to pay back or comfort you. It is possible to eliminate
this kind of practice as just say the something correctly and move on.
They Must Feel Respected For Their Identity
Even When They Do Not Hear You.
When new acquaintances ask if my twins are
boys or girls, I have a boilerplate answer: Sophia was born a girl and Liv was
born a girl but identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns It is more
labor intensive, but it is A) accurate, B) owing to Liv and C) to slowly change
the world one person at a time.
Somehow many of them continue being
surprised by telling me that someone they know is non-binary too. Alarming or
not, the conversations are invariably interesting and replete with information.
Some of the people are still in the midst of their learning process and they
are in the process of transition.
“Thus, I am convinced that I
am ready to assume the role that requires all the efforts to ensure that my
child has a safe home”
— LIZ
VACCARIELLO
It’s An Evolution—Not A
Destination.
It’s the process of becoming something
different, it is a slow and gradual process of development but it is far from
being a complete transformation.
This is not something that happens on a
timeline basis or a neat chronological sequence of events kind of thing. We
never could have imagined our conversation as a single discussion that we had
and then duly processed with proper handling.
In respect of our family, it was an
evolution of affection accompanied with queries; interspersed with concerns
regarding psychological well-being and physical integrity.
For instance, when I was still struggling
to comprehend when and how the feeling of Olivia’s gender identity began (it is
hard to say), they announced it. Did they fluctuate between macho and womanly? (The
answer was no). And I peppered them with questions they weren’t necessarily
ready to answer, like: He could not even address her, wondering whether he
could call her a daughter or if there was a more appropriate word.
In this moment, they said to me, ‘I don’t
know very much about that and I’m too busy to think about it right now, but can
I get back to you with an answer?’ And the fact is, it is perfectly acceptable
not to know.
That Evolution Might Continue Or not.
Three years since our first conversation, I
observe that Liv is most happy and confident the more masculine they present:
unruly hair, clipped to the head, a bass voice, and a muscular sport-built of
weights. I have seen their friends call him Liv, a girlfriend calls him “boyfriend,
and recently, on TikTok, Sofia addressed him as her brother.
Steve and I have now started to use Liv and
Olivia interchangeably and they stated they do not mind if we use either. It
answers the ‘when’ of participation: when we are puzzled when we intervene, and
when we can contribute. In other words, it is insight, information, and
instructions awaiting. In case, they would like to be referred as he/they or
he/him, they will personally inform us. We’re right here.
In My Case, None of This Has Anything To Do
With Me.
Were the past several years less
complicated for me not having to study, keep track of which pronouns to use,
and help multiple friends and relatives during their intelligence? Sure. But I
know one thing deep and truly: My turning had not been nearly as big as the
months if not years of passing, confusion, and worrying that Olivia has been
through. It is a duty they are to perform simply because they belong to a
minority, thus they will be bearing it every time they step into a new room.
With that in mind, I have understood and determined that my ability to cater to
all that is required to make our home their home is within me.
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